I've been confident that Ritual of the Moon is good for a long time. I'm often confident in my work. The very beginning is my most self-conscious time. I try to keep everything very sheltered and away from judgement, both from myself and others. Sometimes those initial ideas are really nothing and should never see the light of day. When they are something and when the general plan is outlined, I begin to be like, alriiiiight!  Then after the first 1/3 of production I'm pretty constantly like, hell ya, this is great. But showing other people can still be difficult. 

My last project, the earth is a better person than me, is a way weirder and more personal game than Ritual of the Moon. It has explicit sex (with trees, none the less) and has an odd tone of humour, erotica, and self-hate. I was lucky enough to start the project in a graduate critique class where we all workshopped projects. The very first time I showed it, I was like nooooope what the fuck am i doing?? I knew I liked it, but it and I was very vulnerable. After the feedback which was really encouraging and had really useful critiques, I was in full out hell ya mode, and stayed that way until just before release. Then I felt vulnerable again and worried if people would like it. Even though I think earth person is amazing and should win a literary award and its most important that I feel proud of it, of course I still want other people to like it too. 

I'm at that pre-release vulnerability stage now with Ritual of the Moon. I've been confident for so long and now the fear is bubbling up! What if no one likes it? What if everyone hates it? What if no one knows how to play it? What if it's so buggy and doesn't work? What if no one plays it? There are some things I think are design flaws (which I won't detail just yet) but ultimately are fairly small. Because it's been like 4 years since designing parts of it, I can look back and think, well, I made that choice then but I wouldn't have made it now. It's not killing me. Overall I still love it. It's even easier to love than some of my previous projects because it was much more collaborative. The art and the music are soooo incredible that if I'm feeling down about the design or the writing, I can think to myself, at least nothing else of the app store looks this beautiful. At least people will open the app just to listen to the music. 

I think I have a good relationship to making art. Sometimes I'm insecure but that's fine. I try to be really cautious of not letting the insecurity prevent me from making an honest and experimental piece. Only one time in earth person did I change a storyline because I was worried what other people would think. I kind of wish I didn't, because that path is now my least favourite. So far in my lift, my financial well-being has not been dependent on my artistic success, which makes my intention to make weird, open, personal, honest art more feasible. It means I can make something that I would like, and hope others like it but my well-being isn't determined by if other people like it. Reading this post I probably seem overly confident. That's fine too. The confidence can help overcome the vulnerability needed to make the kind of work I want to make. 

(this post inspired by today's Nancy: https://www.gocomics.com/nancy/2019/04/08)

11 days until release.