On deciding when to blow up and when to heal


The base idea for Ritual of the Moon came as I was fighting with a close friend. Or, I was fighting. She had no idea. I was feeling really abandoned and betrayed. I couldn't decide if I should keep putting loving healing energy and effort into our relationship or I should blow up at her and say fuck it. I don't think there's always a right choice between these two. 

I can stew over these kind of things for a long time. I can sometimes hate making decisions. Or, more accurately, sometimes it feels as if I cannot make a decision. I'll get stuck in loops of "what if", playing out scenarios over and over, flip flopping between options every hour, minute, or even second. It's really bad when I'm anxious. I'll get stuck in the no-decision loop. I'll think all day - or for days or for weeks - having the same repeating thoughts.. I'll try to urge myself to make a decision, but I can't. If I try to make one, tell myself "ok, this is what I'm doing!" it  won't stick. I can stare at a screen all day, trying to decide if I should book this flight or that flight. Tell this person that thing or not. Choose this PhD program or that one. Go to the grocery store or not. Doesn't matter how "big" of a deal it is, I can get stuck in it. Sometimes I have to call my mom and ask her to make the decision for me.

So, I was stuck in that decision process about my relationship with my friend. How it turned out was, I passive aggressively let something slip, and then she pressed me on it and got me to tell her how I was feeling, and she then shared how she felt. And as a result we fully reconnected! One can look back now and say I should have just told her my feelings right away, but really sometimes it's so much effort to try to tell people how you're feeling, too much of that loving healing energy and effort, when you don't know if it will be accepted. 

It might seem like an easy choice to always protect the earth, but sometimes the earth deserves to burn. I have no answers on how to know when to do what. It's always changing. All I know is that for me, it's best to actually make a decision and not be stuck in between. 


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